Titanium
by Jenndur
Summary: *Sequel to Ricochet* Would getting help mean that I would lose myself, who I was? Would things get better or would they just get worse? Self-destructive Isabella learns to overcome the challenges of dealing with BPD. Alternating B/E POV.


**The original characters and plot of Twilight are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended with this story. After the story is completed, all Twilight references and character names will be changed and copyrighted. Copyright 2013 by Jenndur. This story may not be duplicated, copied, printed, or otherwise reproduced in any way, nor can it be reposted on any other website without the expressed written authorization of the author.**

**This story may contain adult subject matter, strong language, controversial topics, mentions of drugs and underage alcohol use, mentions of rape, consensual sexual content, and mentions of self-injury.**

**Summary: ***Sequel to Ricochet* Would getting help mean that I would lose myself, who I was? Would things get better or would they just get worse? Self-destructive Isabella learns to overcome the challenges of dealing with BPD. Alternating B/E POV.

**Recommended song(s): **The Fray - "Vienna"

* * *

_The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in  
We smile for the casual closure capturing  
There goes the downpour  
There goes my fare thee well_

_There's really no way to reach me_  
_There's really no way to reach me_  
_There's really no way to reach me  
__'Cause I'm already gone_

_Only so many words that we can say  
Spoken upon long-distance melody  
This is my hello  
This is my goodness_

_There's really no way to reach me  
There's really no way to reach me  
There's really no way to reach me  
'Cause I'm already gone_

_Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again  
Straighten this whole thing out  
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy  
This is the distance  
And this is my gameface_

_There's really no way to reach me  
There's really no way to reach me  
Is there really no way to reach me?  
Am I already_

_So this is your maverick  
This is Vienna_

**_Vienna_ **by** The Fray**

* * *

**Chapter 1**

**Isabella ~ May 15th, 2010**

"Are you ready to go, Isabella?" Kate asked.

No. I doubted I'd ever be ready.

I glanced away towards the large clock on the wall, watching as it counted away the time — hours, minutes, seconds… It was time to leave but it felt like I'd just received my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.

My diagnosis — it was scary to admit, even to myself.

There was a chemical imbalance in my brain that caused this disorder. Looking back on the short amount of time I'd spent in Forks, it was painfully obvious that I'd been displaying a majority of the nine symptoms — emotional dysregulation, ongoing trouble within relationships, impulsive behaviors, and self-destructive acts were just a few.

I briefly wondered if I would have ever been diagnosed if Renee hadn't sent me away to Forks four months ago. Hitting rock bottom? It was inevitable, _that_ I was sure of. Would I have just slipped under the radar if I had stayed with Renee and Phil? How much worse could it have gotten?

I guess it didn't really matter now, because I couldn't change the past. I had BPD and I needed treatment, according to Kate.

I knew she was waiting for my response, but I couldn't look at her. I was still too angry that it'd been her idea to send me to Colorado.

It felt too much like the last time, back when Renee sent me to my dad's. She wouldn't deal with my problems, so she handed me off to my dad. This time, though, I was being sent to someone that could "fix" me.

Honestly, I didn't think that this would help at all, and failing would just add to the disappointment from everyone, myself included. If — and that was a really big if — it did work, would I lose myself, who I was?

Sure, I felt like I barely knew myself and I didn't really like who I was, but the unknown terrified me.

The biggest thing, regardless of the outcome of treatment, was that I was scared shitless of losing Edward.

It was a lose-lose situation with him. If I didn't get help and stayed the same, it'd only be a matter of time before he gave up on me — and that's something I knew I couldn't handle — but if I did get help, became "fixed," who's to say he'd even like that person?

Tears filled my eyes as I wished he was there to reassure me again, to give me a hug so tight I'd be left breathless. But he wasn't. He'd said his goodbyes the day before.

"Isabella?" Kate questioned again.

The clock continued to tick away. It was getting too close to the last possible minute before I absolutely had to leave. I couldn't wait for Edward any longer.

. . .

_Isabella. You need to go. As much as I don't want you to leave, what I want more is for you to get better, to get help. But you've got to want it too. You won't get any help if you don't want to get better for yourself._

. . .

_You know how much I love you, and that will never change. Okay?_

. . .

_When you leave, I want you to focus on you and only you. Not us… But when… if the time comes… I'll be waiting._

_. . ._

He was right. I didn't want to be this broken girl anymore. I wanted to be different, better. I did want the help for myself.

With Edward's promise of waiting ringing in my head, I made my decision.

From the corner of my eye, I could see Kate preparing to call out my name again.

"Okay," I breathed, standing up. "I'm ready."

Kate smiled softly, gathering one of my bags into her hands before she left the room. I paused in the doorway for a moment, gently pressing my hand to the frame.

I was saying goodbye to my life here, to the broken girl who'd hit rock bottom, and…

"See you later, Edward," I whispered, closing the door and following Kate to the elevators.

* * *

It was late by the time we arrived at the treatment facility in Colorado. My anxiety levels were through the roof the entire trip, but I was relieved that it was Kate who came with me. It was a condition that I refused to back down on. I didn't know how I would've handled coming here with Charlie, let alone Renee.

I sat back in my seat, trying to calm my nerves as cool air washed over me. The radio was on, but it was more of a low hum to fill the tense silence. My breath hitched as we turned off the main road and drove into the darkness. In the distance, I could make out a dim light. I gripped the leather seats as my heart raced quickly and I wished desperately for the ability to turn the car around.

What the hell had I been thinking? How had I been talked into this decision? I didn't want to be here.

_Fuck this_.

I could probably jump out of the car and start running before Kate even realized what was happening. My left hand moved to rest on the seatbelt release as my right hand twitched against the door handle.

"Isabella." Kate grabbed my left hand tightly, reassuringly.

I exhaled shakily.

This was why she was here with me — because I wouldn't have made it here by myself.

We came to a stop just feet away from the entrance of the building. Kate let go of my hand for a moment to turn off the car, but was quick to grab it again as she turned to face me.

"Isabella," she said again, softer this time. She waited patiently for me to look at her before continuing. "You're scared, I know, and that's okay. Change can be terrifying, no matter how big or small. I just want you to remember that I wouldn't have suggested coming here if I didn't believe that you needed this help. Your family and friends, myself included, only want the best for you."

I swallowed painfully, tears welling in my eyes. There wasn't a thing she, or anyone else, could say that would make this situation better. I knew she was only trying to reassure me, but it wasn't working. There was still a heavy ache in my chest, an all-consuming black hole. I wanted to pull away from her grasp, but I didn't. We sat in deafening silence for a few minutes, Kate just staring at me while I stared down at my lap.

"Okay," she sighed, releasing my hand. "Come on. Let's get you inside."

She exited the car, retrieving my bags from the backseat before rounding her way to my side of the car and opened the door for me. I climbed out slowly, glancing down the dark drive and weighed my decisions again. I guess I took too long because Kate placed her hand on my shoulder and guided me toward the building where an older woman stood in a doorway waiting for us. She wore a kind smile as she stepped aside to let us pass.

I was only given a brief moment to take in my surroundings before Kate and I were led through what appeared to be a small, yet welcoming, lobby. The woman disappeared through another door and my steps slowed, but Kate nudged my shoulder encouragingly for me to continue on my path.

The office was tiny and bland, with only a couple picture frames and a plant that sat in the corner. Behind the large desk were a few filing cabinets that spanned the wall. The woman sat with a sigh in her large chair, gesturing for us to do the same in the opposing chairs. I did so carefully and watched Kate set my bags on the floor between us.

"Welcome to Clearview, Isabella," the woman said, drawing my attention back to her. "My name is Sandra, and I'll be checking you in and making sure you get settled."

I nodded minutely to let her know I was listening.

"Let's get started then. I'm sure you're tired and would like to get to bed."

I didn't say anything again. I _was_ tired, exhausted even, but I didn't think I'd be getting sleep anytime soon.

"Now, normally I'd have you fill out paperwork, but your parents have already done that and had it faxed over this morning. So I'd like to have you review the information to make sure it's correct to the best of your knowledge, and then sign and date it in the appropriate places."

"Okay," I mumbled, reaching out to take the small stack of papers. I looked at each paper, not really checking for mistakes. That was my parents' responsibilities. _I_ wasn't the one checking myself into this facility, they were.

I leaned forward, resting the papers on the desk and grabbed a pen to sign my name. I dropped the pen onto the desk before falling back into my chair.

"We will need to get you to fill out a personal addiction history, and do some diagnostic and drug testing. We'll also need to perform a physical exam. But since it's so late, we'll be finishing this up tomorrow morning. Just a few things left that we need to do before I show you to your room."

She looked to Kate, who then placed all my bags up on the desk. I didn't understand what was going on until Sandra began unzipping one of my bags.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I protested loudly.

Kate tried to calm me, gently telling me to relax. I wasn't having it though. At my outburst, Sandra paused what she was doing.

"Isabella, I have to check your belongings for things such as illegal substances and things that could be used for self-harm. We do not tolerate those things here at Clearview, and if you are caught with any of the items on this list," — she handed me a laminated paper to look over — "you will no longer be able to stay at this facility."

"Okay," I replied quietly, staying on the edge of my seat. I really didn't like a stranger going through my personal belongings. It's not even as if I packed these myself, my parents did.

She ended up taking a few things, like my nail clippers, and told me that I'd get them back once my stay there was over.

Sandra was also required to strip-search me, which caused me to cry and beg Kate to tell her that she didn't need to do that. I'd been with Kate the entire time, from the hospital to here.

"It's procedure," Sandra said in an apologetic tone. "I'll be quick," she promised.

True to her word, it didn't take long. She led us down a dim hallway I hadn't noticed before. Her shoes clacked loudly, breaking up the silence. I counted each clack up to 47 before we stopped at a dark door.

"This'll be your room," she said softly, opening the door for me.

I walked into a small room with a private bathroom. I briefly wondered how my parents were going to afford that, but I couldn't find it in me to actually care. I wouldn't have to share with some other crazy person.

Both the room and the bathroom were smaller than mine in Forks. There was a plain twin bed tucked away in a corner with a night table that held a lamp and an alarm clock. Next to that was a large chair that looked much more comfortable than the one I'd just been sitting in. On the other side of the room, under the dark windows, was a desk and an empty bookshelf.

I sighed heavily, plopping myself and my bags on the bed.

"Just a few more things. Breakfast is at eight, and I'll have one of the girls show you around. I'll find you around nine so we can finish the check-in process. After that, you'll get to meet Dr. Peters." I bobbed my head in agreement, what else could I do? "I'll give you a few minutes to say goodbye then."

She left the room, leaving the door ajar. I hoped this wouldn't be a daily occurrence, because I hated that shit.

Kate sat down next to me and said, "I think you'll like Dr. Peters. He went to school with me and Dr. Cullen. He's a very good doctor."

I gave her no words, just like I had with Sandra. What did she want me to say? I'd had a difficult enough time trying to open myself up and talk to _her_, and now she just expected me to do this with someone else.

As I'd been doing all night, I nodded in response. She turned away to grab her purse and pulled out a small book. She handed it to me and upon further inspection, I realized it was a journal. I looked up to catch her watchful gaze.

"I wanted to give you that because I know how hard it is for you to talk about how you're feeling sometimes. I thought it might be easier to gather your thoughts this way."

"Thanks," I whispered, setting it on top of my duffle bag.

She smiled and stood up from the foot of my new bed. She opened her arms wide, offering me a hug. I bolted up, wrapping myself around her. Tears blurred my vision as I begged her to stay, to not leave me here alone.

"You're overwhelmed. Just take deep breaths. You'll be okay. You'll be just fine," she whispered, squeezing me tightly. She continued to hold me, rocking us slightly until I'd regained a calm state. She squeezed me extra tight before releasing me and gathered her purse.

"Bye, Kate," I said roughly.

"Goodbye." She smiled softly and closed the door, leaving me alone in my new room.

I dropped back down to the bed, this time curling into the fetal position and hugged my pillow tightly. Loud sobs racked my chest as the last person I knew just walked out of my life; I had nobody but myself to rely on now.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm backkkkkkkkkkkkkkk! After almost a year and a half of getting my shit together, I'm finally getting back into the groove of things. So who missed me? And who missed our self-destructive girl? I'm hoping that everyone, new and old, enjoyed this opening chapter. For those of you that are new, I want to recommend reading **Ricochet** before continuing on with this story. When **Ricochet** ended, I hadn't planned on writing a sequel. I did intend to write a few outtakes, some of which I might still write, but recently I felt that there was so much I wanted to cover from where we left off in the last chapter to where the epilogue takes place. So now here we are with **Titanium.**

With that said, I'd lke to thank **Adri** (one of eddie's girls) for prereading, and **torisurfergirl **and **Nlr287bells** (PTB betas) for their comments and critiques. All three of them helped make this chapter better. Thanks guys.

Reviews are always appriecated.

xoxo,  
Jenn


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